Thoughts: Positivity

"Happiness depends to some extent upon external conditions, but chiefly upon mental attitudes. Essentially, conditions are neither good nor bad; they are always neutral, seeming to be either depressing or encouraging because of the sad or bright attitude of the mind of the individual concerned with them."

Why so? My entire life growing up, I've always felt like a very negative person. Whenever something crappy happens, my negativity will soar above the sky making me feel even more negative about the situation. Not to mention my negativity has often played games with my mind that sometimes it does affect my self esteem. It's a lot easier to be negative than to be positive because positivity just takes that much more effort off a person. While I know this isn't healthy but old habits die hard. I've always admired a friend of mine that's very positive in life. I gotta say she's one of the most positive person I know and I like what I see and hear. Could it be her faith in God that contributes to her positivity in life? Is it? I don't know. I would assume so and I would like to believe so. :) I'm truly inspired by her positivity in life and I've always wanted that positive energy she gives out. While I don't have that kind of faith in God like she has, whatever it is, I believe positivity stems from within, from the mind and effort. I for one would like to move towards having a bit more positivity in life. Already there's just so so much negativity in life and around the world, a little positivity wouldn't kill and in fact it can be good and it could run a long way. I wouldn't want to go home and channel all the negativity aura to my kids, especially when the negativity within affects our actions and expressions we show whether we realize it or not.

One of the nights, my hubby was going to pick his dad up to get his car from elsewhere, seeing that he would be going over, I told him to take a box of Expressed Breast Milk over for his mother to be stored in their freezer as my own freezer was running out of place. The next morning, he took out that box of milk from the car and told me he has forgotten to pass it as the box was placed at the back seat of the car. I let out a long 'Noooo'. Clearly, I was very upset because by then half of the EBM was already defrosted and I can no longer put it back in the freezer and that would mean, 13 packets of 5 ounces of EBM is going to waste, getting thrown away. I couldn't utilize it because I know my mother in law would've taken out 4 packets the night before for the day. While the expressed breast milk is free but BECAUSE it is free that the pain I felt was even more intense, more agonizing, it is indescribable. I felt like crying. It basically feels like I got stab in the heart because of all the effort I put in to express, all the midnight 2-3 AM in the morning pumping session, my 3 days worth of supply was gone just like that. If I have to pay for milk, I probably wouldn't feel so bad because I could purchase it. Already I had to throw away 8 packets of EBM earlier because of the antibiotic I took that cause the episode of Cadence's rash and now this. Obviously, my hubby apologized for it. I knew he felt really bad. I couldn't get angry at him even though I was upset but I knew it was an honest mistake, a mistake I knew nobody wants to make. My face was so sulky, I couldn't hide it. I had all sorts of thoughts. I thought for a moment my whole day was going to be ruin, and I wanted it to remain that way, sulky till the end of day. I thought nobody cared about all the effort I took to express my milk, the extra hours I put in to make sure I have enough of stocks to last no matter how tiring it was to wake up in the middle of the night to pump. I had to take another box of EBM over for my MIL to keep, that added to the pain simply because I had to take another box over when the box I took out the night before went to waste. What made it worse was that, the second box I took out fell when I was taking a corner while I was on the way to drop the kids and the container broke. That added to my frustration, my volcano of emotions erupted in the car where the kids were present. Being a little OCD, my container to keep my EBM was THAT important. While on the way to work, I had to gain my composure and told myself what's done is done. I can't undo what has happened, all the more when I knew it was an honest mistake made by my hubby and how bad he must have felt. It's pointless to get angry at him when it was an honest mistake. It's pointless to turn his day into a lousy day as everyone would end up being sulky. I don't wanna be sulky the whole day long. I don't want to go back to see my kids in the evening with a sulky face and ruin everybody's mood. It will be pointless. So I just have to let it go and not think about it. And I just have to take extra effort to stock up again and I can always buy the container to store my EBM. So I thought of what to do with the milk. I figured I would make a milk bath for Cadence for those milk that has already fully defrosted and turn those still frozen EBM into home made breast milk ice cream. Upon reaching my office, my hubby texted me again to apologize, by then I was feeling much better not wanting to dwell in what just happened. And I'm glad I took the effort to not ruin his day and to forget what just happened and look forward. It paid off and it felt good. And I really hope it made a difference to him, I hope he was a little comforted. So I made the milk bath for Cadence and did the ice cream as planned though the ice cream sucks big time because of the weird lipase taste, I threw it all away.

The funny thing is I shared my story with breastfeeding moms and non-breastfeeding mom. The reaction I got was just so different! Clearly a non breastfeeding mom was not attuned to the kind of emotion I felt or could not comprehend the what the big deal was, and the reaction I got was just 'Oh ok.' whereas when I shared my story with breastfeeding moms, they all went 'Aaaaaahhhhh!!! What a waste or sayangnyaaaaaa' and I got a lot of suggestions on what I could do with the milk. The power of breastfeeding. It connects all the moms together.

That said, it doesn't mean changes happen in a day's time. Clearly, it's a trial and error process for me. There are days where I see myself being a little positive and there are days I revert to being very negative about everything. There are still days when one "bad" news happens after another that seems to paint the sky dark at that very moment in life, but it's important to remember that there's always light at the end of every tunnel you take. When the sea is calm, we must expect storms to hit and beyond the stormy seas, the calm sea lies ahead. And for every dark moments in life, nobody else can determine how to feel about it, how you look at it and how you react to it and how bad the situation is, BUT yourself. So it is entirely up to you whether to be positive or negative even though it might seem as if there's nothing to be positive about.

"Life is like a restless sea, full of wonders and always in a state of perpetual turmoil caused by the waves of events. No one is secure from the violent waves on the surface of this deep ocean. Pleasure and pain in this world, like positive and negative forces in nature, together perform their function everywhere. Opposed to joy and delight are grief and sadness and opposed to youth and vitality are old age and weakness. Everyone who is alive must bear the burden of affliction and suffering. Everyone who sets out on this sea is bound to be drenched by its waters and encounter in the course of his life a series of unpleasant and painful events: failure, privation, the death of dear ones and many other afflictions of the kind. Who is it that has remained unscathed by the arrows of time and secure from the tempests of events? The type of hardships and calamities, it is true, is different in every age, but the universal principle of hardship and suffering is intertwined with man's life in all its stages"

The box of 65oz milk I had to say buhbye to.

Cadence in her milk bath

The earlier 40 oz milk tainted with antibiotic which I had to throw away.

Recipes: Kuey Tiau Soup

One of my favorite food to prepare over the weekends because it's easy peasy and everyone will definitely chow this down even kids because it's soupy and non spicy. You can't possibly go wrong with soupy noodles. My mom made this all the time, so I've grown to love having 'DIY' my own Kuey Tiau Th'ng. And by DIY I mean I can determine what are the sides and the amount of sides to put in my bowl of noodles. Like I can be very generous with the shredded chicken I put into my hubby's bowl of noodles and elsewhere for me, I love my veges and it's super crucial that I have some form of veges in my diet for each meal, so instead of the typically served taugeh (bean sprouts) by hawker stalls because taugeh's are dirt cheap with probably little nutriets, I can opt for some green vegetables. I usually add onions and carrots to my soup because these two will sweeten the soup and I will cube the carrots to add to the bowl of noodles. So all in all this recipe is the type of recipes where it's really flexible and you can improvised according to what you have in the fridge or as you like or you can copy exactly like what hawker sellers normally serves and you can substitute the type of noodles according to your preference.

Kuey Tiau Th'ng or Kuey Tiau Soup 

Recipes enough for 4-5 pax

Ingredients:

• 1/2 Chicken
• Pork (perhaps the size of your palm)
• Fish Cake
• Fishball
• 2 small carrots (whole)
• 3 bulbs big red onion (whole)
• 1 bundle of baby Choy Sum (optional)
• 1 packet of Kuey Tiau (Flat Rice Noodles)
• 1-2 stalk Spring Onions
• 2 big Chillies
• 10 small cili padi (bird's eye chili)
• 5 shallots
• 8 pips garlic
• 2 cubes of chicken stock
• Tong Chai & Tua Tao Chai (optional for flavors)
• Water
• Oil

Method:
1. Clean all the ingredients. Rinse the chicken, pork, fish cake, fishball and choy sum. Peel the carrot and big red onion and leave it as whole. Sliced shallots thinly and minced the garlic.

2. Boil a pot of water. Once boiled, put in the pork, carrot and onions. Boil for 10 to 15 minutes and turn down the heat to continue to simmer it for 30 to 40 minutes.

3. Put in the chicken and fish cake to cook once the pot of soup has turned color. Add the chicken stock and tong chai. Boil the chicken for about 20-30 minutes. Do not overcooked the chicken. The fish cake will float once it's cooked.

4. Removed the chicken, fish cake, pork and carrots (once it's already soft). Shred chicken, pork and fish cake thinly. Cube the carrots. Return the chicken bones to the pot of soup for more flavors. Add the fish balls last.

5. Boil or steam the choy sum or vegetables of your choice. Cut into two or three portion. 

6. Boil the noodles of your choice.

7. In another pan, heat some oil and fry the shallots and garlic till golden brown. Set aside.

8. Cut spring onions for garnishing. Cut chillies and add light soya sauce for dipping.

9. Assemble your noodles with the sides. Add the soup. Bon appétit.

* If you do not want to put chicken stock cubes, you can always omit and just go for just salt for healthier choice.

Carrots, Onions, Pork, Chicken, Fish cake and Fish balls.

Sliced shallots and minced garlic.

Pork, carrots, onions and tua tao chai into the pot of boiling water.

Chicken, fishcake and fish ball into the soup. Removed once cooked and to be shredded.

Boil choy sum

Preparation done. Shallots and onions fried till golden brown for garnishing. Spring onions cut for garnishing. Kuey Tiau boiled. Chicken, pork and fish cake shredded. Carrots cubed, choy sum cut.

DIY or assembling the noodles

Tadah! Ready to savour.

For the little boy.

Motherhood: All The Firsts

They say the second kid is always faster in their milestone development since they have an older sibling to look up or to catch up with. To be frank, I had my expectations very low because of her heavy weight. I remember Ezra being a heavy Michelin baby, he always reaches his milestones towards the end of the expected age group. For example, he only started rolling over at age 6 months old, he sat up at 7 months old and started crawling at 10 months old, started walking at 15 months old, so he's always accomplishing his milestone towards the end. If he was a student, he was always the last to graduate from a milestone. I had nothing to worry about because our pediatrician has said his weight was a major factor but he was doing perfectly fine because at the end of the day, he still achieved all the important milestones. So when I had Cadence, I was mentally prepared she was going to be just like her brother when it comes to her milestones. Her weight was climbing really fast that at 5 months old, she already weighs 10kg! As it turns out, she's so eager to play with her brother or to catch up with him that she hits her milestone so much faster than expected beside being so much more heavier than her brother. I guess being heavy was just an excuse for Ezra. With sheer determination, it is possible to reach all the milestones despite the weight and the layers. I guess with her being a girl too explains a lot why she's faster. It has been said girls are much more faster in achieving their milestones compared to boys. By 2 months old she could hold her head up either with us carrying her on our shoulders or when we put her on her belly. She could roll over from front to back and back to front when she was 4 months old. And at 5 months old she starts to creep. And now she could get anywhere she wanted to with her bum bum. She's a bottom scooter. It's so interesting to see how different they are despite coming from the same "manufacturer". Though the both got their first tooth around the 6 months mark. ;)

23.5.2013 - at exactly 5 months 3 weeks 2 days old, baby Cadence has finally had her first tooth cut through. A day for any momma and papa to remember when their baby have finally gotten their first tooth. Can't be any prouder of her. While she didn't have any fever, but I believe she was a little fussy prior to the tooth cutting through. I've suspected she might get her first tooth soon since last week, I had a hunch that it would be anytime soon and indeed, it finally cut through today after all the thumb gnawing, tongue sticking out, excessive drooling and chewing on everything she has her eyes on. I also noticed she would often stick her thumb to her ears and start moving them, as if to scratch and pull her ears. I guess to me that was the biggest tell tale sign that made me feel like her first tiny tooth would soon appear. Looking forward to the rest popping out one by one. I sure hopes she handles it as well as this first tooth of hers and it won't be too painful for her. I wish I could take a picture to document this, but she's always sticking her tongue out. Perhaps when the tooth looks more obvious. 

23rd May 2013 - Not one but TWO bottom teeth

UPDATED on 3.6.2013 - After trying for SOOOO many times, at long last, a picture of her with her TWO bottom teeth sprouting from her gums. Clearly she didn't enjoy me doing the above. She was crying her lungs out.

Thoughts: Movies Post Children Era

I'm a real sucker for freebies or contests. When I was child free, I used to love to look up The Star online for freebies especially movie tickets. My hubby and I was so up-to-date with movies. That was one of our main activity during our dating years which we really enjoyed. So much so that we would usually catch new movies as soon as we can, upon the movie release. Like on that day itself or within that week itself. Now that I have two kids, gone are the days where I have the time to watch movies. I'm not even gonna talk about sitcoms and drama series. All I get is 3-5 minutes long little clips on Facebook. I have not visited the cinema in more than 2 years. Do I miss it? Heck yeah but parenthood requires a little sacrifice, this was one of it I was willing to let go as I could still download movies and watch from the laptop. Perhaps once my kids are all grown up and can understand the concept of going to the cinemas, I know I will be visiting it together with them. It's not all that bad, I have to tell myself that. For a full time working mom, quality time with my kids are much more important. As of now, how do I catch my movies? I browse through '2013 in film' on Wikipedia on movies that I want to watch, search for the torrent and open up my P2P and start downloading. Then we watch movies on the laptop on the bed once the kids are asleep, tucked in between them. THAT is if I can find the time to sit down and watch and MORE importantly, to keep my eyes open past 10pm or 1030pm. Taking care of my baby means having to get up at odd hours makes it really tiring. I can feel weight on my eyes when the clock has hit a certain hours which means its time for my body to get the rest it needs for the following day. However, as Cadence starts to grow and it gets a little easier during the night time, I know pretty soon I'll get that tiny little freedom for movies at home with the hubs after the kids' bedtime, tucked in between the two babies with our earphones plugged and laptop on the lap with frequent interruptions from the kids. And eventually, go back to be one of the suckers for free movie tickets redemption. So to those that still does not have kids, PLEASE, go watch ALL the movies you can.

The kinda things I really miss doing, looking at movie tickets redemption on The Star newspaper and going for it. :)

Products Review: Karihome Goat's Milk Sweeties

Revisiting calcium supplement. Since we've finished up our Abbott Calcium Milky chew, it's time to stock up again. I passed by Vitacare pharmacy and made a stop and saw that they were selling for RM36. I remembered I could get it for RM28 at Guardian so I decided not to buy. As usual, despite not wanting to get what I had in mind, I lingered for a while checking out other supplements to see if there's anything else I'm missing or any interesting supplements I or any of my family members could use. As I was browsing through all the calcium that was on the shelves, I was approached by the sales person. A lady in her 40s. 'Can I help you miss?' I told her 'I'm just looking for calcium supplements, looking at Abbott Calcium Milky Chew'. She asked who was it for and I told her it'll be for my 3 year old son. And to her disbelief accompanied by a disapproving look saying 'No, no, no, you cannot give this to a child. These supplements are not suitable for a child. It's too rich. Why don't you give your son milk?' While I'm pretty annoyed at that sorta question because it made me seem like a mother who refuses to feed her son milk, I still answered her, 'No, he doesn't take any form of milk'. Surprised, she asked 'And what was he on before his????'. Politely, I told her I breastfeed him for more than 2 years, so after that he refuses to take cows milk. She gave a smile. And she went out of her way with suggestions like I should really try to introduce soy milk as it taste really sweet and kids would love it and etc etc. I mean seriously, I think moms usually will give their best to their children so I think that people should automatically assume that moms have done their best in whatever is it they're doing. I still answered all of her questions till she made a remark, 'Your case is unusual lah. This is my first time hearing this. I must bring this case up to my management lah'. And I told her, 'No, this is pretty common with breastfed babies' and I was cut off 'NO LAH. This is my first time hearing case like that'. WOW. This is what it feels like getting judged. While I appreciate her helpfulness, she made it seem as if I was committing the biggest crime ever for not feeding my toddler milk, and it's not like I didn't try. I did. Secretly, I was rolling my eyes so hard that it felt like it was gonna drop off form its socket. She continued questioning me and giving me suggestions like I should feed my child cheese and calcium rich food, to which I nodded to. And she was thinking hard what else could I offer to Ezra and she ran off and return with these calcium supplements made of goat's milk by Karihome from New Zealand. I was at least please with what she showed me aside from the judgmental yapping. Of the three flavors she showed me which was Yoghurt, Original and Strawberries, I asked what would people normally pick for their kids, she answered me 'I don't know about your kid because your kid is so unique. I don't know what he would like'. Sigh, I wish I could shoot her face. Since I'm a sucker for calcium supplements for children and cute stuffs, I like how it was package, small container that comes with 70 tablets. What's even cuter is that the sweeties comes it shapes of animals like panda, elephant and seahorse or seal, I don't really remember. It is easily digestible and it is rich in calcium, protein, carbohydrates and essential fatty acids. Unlike multivitamin tablets, a child can safely take up to 10 Karihome Goat Milk Sweeties each time, 1 to 3 times a day seems more ideal and it is suitable for children from 1 year and above, when they are able to chew & suck without choking. Plus point, it is available 6 different flavours, comes in assorted, strawberry, blueberry, chocolate, yogurt and original flavour. What's even sweeter is that it only cost RM18.90. Feels like it's dirt cheap! So, I decided to give the Yogurt flavored sweeties a try. There isn't a need to convince me to buy. The minute she handed the products to me, and I saw the word sweeties, I was so sure I was going to buy it. It taste like milk only in tablet form. Kinda like this candy by Bento in my childhood days. I gave Ezra and he seems to like it. I got over excited on the different flavored available I saw online and the fact it is packaged in the tiny darn looking cute can that my OCD is triggering me to get the rest of the 5 flavours.

Karihome Goat's Milk Sweeties

What it looks like inside

All the flavors available

Childhood milk candy by Bento

Assorted flavors: Original, Blueberry, Strawberry & Yoghurt. 200 sweeties for RM44.00

How it looks like inside the can.

Motherhood: Amoxicillin Rash / Allergy

My biggest regret is going against my motherly instinct when it comes to baby matters. Ever since I gave birth, my health isn't exactly in the finest condition unlike my first child birth, I was still very much as healthy as a horse. Second time around I'm so prone to sickness that almost every month I have some sort of health issues, be it the usual viral infection, like fever to sore throat to cough to running nose to throat infection to diarrhea to all sorts of things. And the worst is having to rely on drugs medication to heal! And that's what I fear most as I'm a breastfeeding mummy. What I eat my baby eats. I try to avoid whatever form of drugs I need to take in order to get better including paracetamol and just leave it to my body to fight the battle. The last health issues I had was throat related. I woke up feeling like I was gonna have sore throat and I drank much more water than I usually take but after 3 4 days I realize I wasn't getting any better and I decided to inspect my throat feeling like its more than sore throat. I was right. I saw white spots inside of my mouth and I thought it was ulcer. As much as I hated going to the doctor, fearing it would get worse, I made a visit and was told it was throat infection. I was prescribe antibiotic to which I wasn't very keen on knowing I was breastfeeding. Already the doctor was a real asshole about me asking questions. I asked if there was any other way I could get better instead of relying on antibiotics cz I was concern about my milk supply reducing (I had an incident when I was on cough medicine) and I didn't really want to be on antibiotic because I notice there's a reason why doctors usually avoid prescribing antibiotic when I inform then I'm breastfeeding. He gave me a lecture on how in Malaysia the doctors only see their patient when the patient makes a visit to the doctor and there's no chance to follow up after that so because of that doctors have to take one step ahead by preventing the matters become worse and prescribe whatever that is needed to be one step ahead. 😒 How despicable is that? I'm asking coz I have a 5 month old baby to feed and I would like to avoid drugs at all cost if possible. If there's an alternative that doesn't involve drugs I would be more willing to try and return to consult the doctor in the event it doesn't get better. And then he told me "I'll give you something safe lor for breastfeeding". My arse! I was even prescribe flu medicine when I didn't even need it. Although I had a second opinion regarding the antibiotic that it is safe for breastfeeding, I gotta say that's the worst decision I've ever made in my life. And the one mistake I did was that I didn't read or research about it before consuming it. Not only did my throat infection not get any better, my baby girl came down with a terrible rash about 4-5 days after I completed my course. It started with what looks like nappy rash but I learn later it was fungal infection, and I was given Candacort to apply. While the fungal infection did get better, we had another problem. She's developed this prickly rash with small tiny red bumps that looks awfully itchy. It started below her belly and with the heat and the moisture from the diaper, it quickly spread to all over her body. Her hands, legs, back and worst her face. It was very agonizing having to see her in that state and not knowing what I can do about it. I brought her to see a pediatrician again since the Candacort was no longer doing anything. I quickly read up about Amoxicillin and was convinced it has to be because of it that triggered the fungal and started a series of allergy rash.

So here are my stories about pediatricians. My first choice was to bring her to this Dr.Yeoh as he was the pediatrician in Alor Setar that I had brought my kids to all along. I reach the clinic at 1030am only to be told he is fullly booked the whole day long. Wtf right? 1030am and he is booked the whole day long. So I had no choice but to bring Cadence to another pediatrician. So I went to a private hospital. I brought her to a Dr.Lim and I gotta say that's the worst pediatrician ever. He disregarded my concern in the antibiotic and was so convinced her rash is due to dust mite. He advised me to sun my bed and kept telling me how at 70 degrees only I can kill the dust mites. He repeated this 3-4 times. Really?? I mean really??? I left feeling very dissatisfied with the answer. So I decided I needed a second opinion. The next day, I scheduled an appointment with Dr.Yeoh, I was told I can start making my appointment at 9 am once the clinic starts operating. I called at 840am, nobody picked up, nevermind. Then right after I finish bathing Cadence, I called again at 8.55am. The line was already engaged. I tried for like 20 times non stop til I can get through it. By the time I got through, it was 9.03am. I made my appointment, my number was 37 in line. Wtf right? So I asked, approximately what time do I need to be there, and I was advised to be there around noon. Came noon, I called before I went over, I was told currently, patients seen was only 15! Which mean I still need to wait a couple more hours! I couldn't wait any longer, I brought her to see a different pediatrician. A Dr.Lee. Right after waiting for an hour, I managed to see a pediatrician. He agreed that she's allergic but he couldn't tell me specifically to what. So he prescribe me some medication and a tube of cream called Ezerra. The cream didn't work. In fact it made it worse as I could see her struggling everytime I apply it all over her body. So I knew it burns her skin due to he inflammation from the rash. Back to KL and I brought her again to see her usual pediatrician, Dr.Deng. I only have to wait 20 mins . He too agreed that she's allergic to something but he can't quite tell me what. He prescribed me hydrocortisone, steroid cream. It did help but not entirely as her rash is still there. It's been 3 weeks long, sadly I still haven't figured out the cause for the rash and because of that I can't seem to eliminate the cause for it. It saddens me so much cause her skin is now so rough, so inflamed and so red. No mummies like their daughter to have skins that feel like sandpaper. I tried a lot of things, from oatmeal bath, to Ezerra, to powder, to steroid cream, to Aloe Vera gel, to minyak angin, to medication, I've no clue what seem to cause the rash. All I know is that heat makes it really bad and the small bumpy itchy looking red dots will start appearing fast, and she'll crying and scratching because it's just that itchy. Water seems to aggravate it too. There are days where it looks like it's much better only to have my hopes dash by noon cause of the heat from the scorching hot sun in the noon. It seems like I have to continue guessing and my trial and error to try to find a solution to it. But the bottom line is I still believe my consumption of the amoxicillin had started the issue and has led from one rash to another. 

 The rash form on her face.

On her belly

Tiny red bumps on her thighs

Behind her ears.

Her face again.

Her bum bum

Her under belly and nappy area. Sorry for the obscenity.