Thoughts: Adoration

Every parent out there adores their kid irregardless of how they look or how they are. Every imperfections of a baby or a kid that's visible to another parent or human being is every perfection to the parent of the baby or kid simply because we're overwhelmed by love, thus those imperfections are blinded by the love we feel. They become simply perfect in our eyes. This love can only be understood when you are right there at the spot, when one has stepped into parenthood. It's an amazing feeling. So speaking of adoring your own kids, I'm no different than others. I am one of those mom who adores the hell out of my kids. I know they're not the worlds cutest baby but they're adorable as hell in their very own way in my world and I love waking up to see these innocent smiling faces. 

Baby Cadence in blue ensemble

Spiky hair like her dad

One early morning

The kid eating his dinner like a boss. There's something about fries that kids love. He finished his fries but NONE of his fish. Cadence sucked on the broccoli and loves it. You can see how she's trying to reach for her brother's fries.

Motherhood: All The Firsts

They say the second kid is always faster in their milestone development since they have an older sibling to look up or to catch up with. To be frank, I had my expectations very low because of her heavy weight. I remember Ezra being a heavy Michelin baby, he always reaches his milestones towards the end of the expected age group. For example, he only started rolling over at age 6 months old, he sat up at 7 months old and started crawling at 10 months old, started walking at 15 months old, so he's always accomplishing his milestone towards the end. If he was a student, he was always the last to graduate from a milestone. I had nothing to worry about because our pediatrician has said his weight was a major factor but he was doing perfectly fine because at the end of the day, he still achieved all the important milestones. So when I had Cadence, I was mentally prepared she was going to be just like her brother when it comes to her milestones. Her weight was climbing really fast that at 5 months old, she already weighs 10kg! As it turns out, she's so eager to play with her brother or to catch up with him that she hits her milestone so much faster than expected beside being so much more heavier than her brother. I guess being heavy was just an excuse for Ezra. With sheer determination, it is possible to reach all the milestones despite the weight and the layers. I guess with her being a girl too explains a lot why she's faster. It has been said girls are much more faster in achieving their milestones compared to boys. By 2 months old she could hold her head up either with us carrying her on our shoulders or when we put her on her belly. She could roll over from front to back and back to front when she was 4 months old. And at 5 months old she starts to creep. And now she could get anywhere she wanted to with her bum bum. She's a bottom scooter. It's so interesting to see how different they are despite coming from the same "manufacturer". Though the both got their first tooth around the 6 months mark. ;)

23.5.2013 - at exactly 5 months 3 weeks 2 days old, baby Cadence has finally had her first tooth cut through. A day for any momma and papa to remember when their baby have finally gotten their first tooth. Can't be any prouder of her. While she didn't have any fever, but I believe she was a little fussy prior to the tooth cutting through. I've suspected she might get her first tooth soon since last week, I had a hunch that it would be anytime soon and indeed, it finally cut through today after all the thumb gnawing, tongue sticking out, excessive drooling and chewing on everything she has her eyes on. I also noticed she would often stick her thumb to her ears and start moving them, as if to scratch and pull her ears. I guess to me that was the biggest tell tale sign that made me feel like her first tiny tooth would soon appear. Looking forward to the rest popping out one by one. I sure hopes she handles it as well as this first tooth of hers and it won't be too painful for her. I wish I could take a picture to document this, but she's always sticking her tongue out. Perhaps when the tooth looks more obvious. 

23rd May 2013 - Not one but TWO bottom teeth

UPDATED on 3.6.2013 - After trying for SOOOO many times, at long last, a picture of her with her TWO bottom teeth sprouting from her gums. Clearly she didn't enjoy me doing the above. She was crying her lungs out.

Motherhood: Amoxicillin Rash / Allergy

My biggest regret is going against my motherly instinct when it comes to baby matters. Ever since I gave birth, my health isn't exactly in the finest condition unlike my first child birth, I was still very much as healthy as a horse. Second time around I'm so prone to sickness that almost every month I have some sort of health issues, be it the usual viral infection, like fever to sore throat to cough to running nose to throat infection to diarrhea to all sorts of things. And the worst is having to rely on drugs medication to heal! And that's what I fear most as I'm a breastfeeding mummy. What I eat my baby eats. I try to avoid whatever form of drugs I need to take in order to get better including paracetamol and just leave it to my body to fight the battle. The last health issues I had was throat related. I woke up feeling like I was gonna have sore throat and I drank much more water than I usually take but after 3 4 days I realize I wasn't getting any better and I decided to inspect my throat feeling like its more than sore throat. I was right. I saw white spots inside of my mouth and I thought it was ulcer. As much as I hated going to the doctor, fearing it would get worse, I made a visit and was told it was throat infection. I was prescribe antibiotic to which I wasn't very keen on knowing I was breastfeeding. Already the doctor was a real asshole about me asking questions. I asked if there was any other way I could get better instead of relying on antibiotics cz I was concern about my milk supply reducing (I had an incident when I was on cough medicine) and I didn't really want to be on antibiotic because I notice there's a reason why doctors usually avoid prescribing antibiotic when I inform then I'm breastfeeding. He gave me a lecture on how in Malaysia the doctors only see their patient when the patient makes a visit to the doctor and there's no chance to follow up after that so because of that doctors have to take one step ahead by preventing the matters become worse and prescribe whatever that is needed to be one step ahead. 😒 How despicable is that? I'm asking coz I have a 5 month old baby to feed and I would like to avoid drugs at all cost if possible. If there's an alternative that doesn't involve drugs I would be more willing to try and return to consult the doctor in the event it doesn't get better. And then he told me "I'll give you something safe lor for breastfeeding". My arse! I was even prescribe flu medicine when I didn't even need it. Although I had a second opinion regarding the antibiotic that it is safe for breastfeeding, I gotta say that's the worst decision I've ever made in my life. And the one mistake I did was that I didn't read or research about it before consuming it. Not only did my throat infection not get any better, my baby girl came down with a terrible rash about 4-5 days after I completed my course. It started with what looks like nappy rash but I learn later it was fungal infection, and I was given Candacort to apply. While the fungal infection did get better, we had another problem. She's developed this prickly rash with small tiny red bumps that looks awfully itchy. It started below her belly and with the heat and the moisture from the diaper, it quickly spread to all over her body. Her hands, legs, back and worst her face. It was very agonizing having to see her in that state and not knowing what I can do about it. I brought her to see a pediatrician again since the Candacort was no longer doing anything. I quickly read up about Amoxicillin and was convinced it has to be because of it that triggered the fungal and started a series of allergy rash.

So here are my stories about pediatricians. My first choice was to bring her to this Dr.Yeoh as he was the pediatrician in Alor Setar that I had brought my kids to all along. I reach the clinic at 1030am only to be told he is fullly booked the whole day long. Wtf right? 1030am and he is booked the whole day long. So I had no choice but to bring Cadence to another pediatrician. So I went to a private hospital. I brought her to a Dr.Lim and I gotta say that's the worst pediatrician ever. He disregarded my concern in the antibiotic and was so convinced her rash is due to dust mite. He advised me to sun my bed and kept telling me how at 70 degrees only I can kill the dust mites. He repeated this 3-4 times. Really?? I mean really??? I left feeling very dissatisfied with the answer. So I decided I needed a second opinion. The next day, I scheduled an appointment with Dr.Yeoh, I was told I can start making my appointment at 9 am once the clinic starts operating. I called at 840am, nobody picked up, nevermind. Then right after I finish bathing Cadence, I called again at 8.55am. The line was already engaged. I tried for like 20 times non stop til I can get through it. By the time I got through, it was 9.03am. I made my appointment, my number was 37 in line. Wtf right? So I asked, approximately what time do I need to be there, and I was advised to be there around noon. Came noon, I called before I went over, I was told currently, patients seen was only 15! Which mean I still need to wait a couple more hours! I couldn't wait any longer, I brought her to see a different pediatrician. A Dr.Lee. Right after waiting for an hour, I managed to see a pediatrician. He agreed that she's allergic but he couldn't tell me specifically to what. So he prescribe me some medication and a tube of cream called Ezerra. The cream didn't work. In fact it made it worse as I could see her struggling everytime I apply it all over her body. So I knew it burns her skin due to he inflammation from the rash. Back to KL and I brought her again to see her usual pediatrician, Dr.Deng. I only have to wait 20 mins . He too agreed that she's allergic to something but he can't quite tell me what. He prescribed me hydrocortisone, steroid cream. It did help but not entirely as her rash is still there. It's been 3 weeks long, sadly I still haven't figured out the cause for the rash and because of that I can't seem to eliminate the cause for it. It saddens me so much cause her skin is now so rough, so inflamed and so red. No mummies like their daughter to have skins that feel like sandpaper. I tried a lot of things, from oatmeal bath, to Ezerra, to powder, to steroid cream, to Aloe Vera gel, to minyak angin, to medication, I've no clue what seem to cause the rash. All I know is that heat makes it really bad and the small bumpy itchy looking red dots will start appearing fast, and she'll crying and scratching because it's just that itchy. Water seems to aggravate it too. There are days where it looks like it's much better only to have my hopes dash by noon cause of the heat from the scorching hot sun in the noon. It seems like I have to continue guessing and my trial and error to try to find a solution to it. But the bottom line is I still believe my consumption of the amoxicillin had started the issue and has led from one rash to another. 

 The rash form on her face.

On her belly

Tiny red bumps on her thighs

Behind her ears.

Her face again.

Her bum bum

Her under belly and nappy area. Sorry for the obscenity. 

Motherhood: Potty training

Where to begin? How to begin? When to begin? The endless questions I had when I first broach the idea of potty training my toddler. Being a Chinese adds to the pressure more. For some reason Chinese are famous for potty training their babies as young as 2 3 months old and probably once their baby hit the 6 months mark, they go diaper free? Crazy? I kid you not, there are probably cases like that, who knows. My own mother has brought this topic up a couple times. She constantly told me to 'shhhuuuhhh' my son once he gets up from his sleep or nap so he understands the idea of peeing and every 20 mins, I should bring him to the toilet to 'shhuhh' him. By shhuhh, she meant to hold the baby in front of de toilet and make the peeing sound effect to stimulate the baby to pee. I tried to shhuhh him when he wakes up from nap, clearly I find it too troublesome to do so and to check the clock every 20 mins. The bitter truth is, I'm just too lazy. I gave up. I did tell my MIL to do it too, after a while I think she too gave up. She probably finds it too leceh too. Can I blame her? No, I don't blame her. I read that pushing a child to go diaper free before they're ready, they tend to have more accidents as they grow up. I asked my MIL how did she train her youngest daughter to go diaper free, she told me she never did. Once her daughter was 4 years old, she just told her to pee and poo in the potty, she understood and that was it. All it takes is a day work. While I'm too lazy to bring my son to the toilet every 15 to 20 mins to get him to pee, I'm not keen on him wearing the diaper till 4 years old either. Taking cue from seeing my cousin potty training my nephew when he was two, I made that my benchmark to begin potty training once Ezra turns two. If Shane could be potty trained, Ezra can too.

So I had two potties bought, more like sponsored by Miss Ran, one to be placed at my MIL's house and one for us to use at home. So the first step was to get him to sit on the potty. The problem was he didn't want to seat on the potty! He just wanted to play with it. Disappointed, I had to convinced myself that my little boy just wasn't ready and gave up the idea. I decided to wait till he was ready as that's my favorite approach to use when it comes to weaning or introducing something to Ezra. I remember reading every now and then to remind myself to watch for signs a boy is ready to potty train. I never saw the signs. I put him on cloth diaper during the day hoping that the wetness would make him uncomfortable enough to give up diapers. It worked slowly, minimally. Little did I realize, those were the baby steps taken to prepare him towards potty training. Eventually, when he was about 2 1/2 years old, he would go diaper free in the evening for about 2-3 hours.We had to remind him so often to tell us when he wants to pee pee or asked him he wants to pee pee. There were countless of times he would accidentally wet his pants when he was too busy playing. It took a while before he could start telling us he wanted to pee. And even then, he wouldn't pee in the potty. He would opt to pee standing up in the loo. Problem with that is that he hasn't mastered the skill to aim, every time he pees it trickles all over the place. There were times where he would pee with one leg up or open his legs as wide as possible, almost to a split!, to avoid his pee from running down his legs. Those were the funny times. Over time, he slowly mastered holding his pee and could go diaper free during the day except for naps and tell us whenever he wants to pee but he still very much needed the diaper to do his number 2. For the second time, I decided to try again but this time I bought two child toilet seat, hoping the seat would get his interest more. That went to waste lol. He wouldn't seat on the toilet seat either. Never mind that, at least he pees in the loo. Fast forward to half a year later, my urge to get him to fully be on the potty was getting stronger. He was approaching 3 years old. Problem was I didn't have the time. I only had weekends and weekends alone weren't enough. I can't rely on my MIL as this was my responsibility to potty train my son, not hers. So when I was on my maternity leave for 2 months, I gave myself a mission, to potty train Ezra when I was back in my hometown for 3 weeks, by hook or by crook, I had to get it done. If I don't do it then, I don't know when else would I have the time to do so. So it began. For some dumb reason, it ended in military style. Stress like crap. While he now accepts sitting down to pee but he wouldn't tell me when he wants to pee, often ending with him peeing his pants. I remember that one fine day was so stressful not just for me, but very much so for my poor boy as well. I remember beating his backside (I'm Asian, we beat our kids), scolding him every time he accidentally wets himself for not telling me when I know he knows how to tell me when he wants to pee, screaming my head off, threatening him with a cane, punishing him to go pantless when he wets ALL the pants there is for him, even to go pantless when he takes his nap. It was a bad day. I was angry because he wouldn't tell me when he wants to pee. Now judge me all you want, I admit I am not the world's best mother and I have lost my temper with him. I'm very much aware of the whole encouragement vs fear approach but my stupidity on that very day for expecting him to accept the potty in a days time. I forgot that Rome wasn't built in a day. As I said, it was a stressful and bad day for us. As he was sleeping pantless that day, watching him sleep, I reflected the whole stressful day and obviously overcame with regret my course of actions and feeling like crap myself, I told myself perhaps he just wasn't ready. So the next day, I lighten up and took a whole different approach to make the whole experience filled with fun irregardless if he succeeds in doing his number 1 and 2 in the potty. For some funny reason he too changed and he would alert whenever he wanted to pee and the best part was, he peed in the potty. I was ecstatic. I remember one of the time he ended up pooing in the potty. That was when I rewarded him with chocolates to further encourage him. And we would 'run run run' to the potty together whenever he wanted to pee and poo and I told him if he peed in the potty, he gets one chocolate, if he poo poo, he gets TWO chocolates. It worked. I knew then, that was the day I succeeded in potty training him in the day time. Of course there were accidents here and there but it was still a learning process for him. After two three weeks, we were doing great with the potty during the day time.

So now the only problem I have left, was night time potty training. I didn't know how to do it. I wasn't sure where I should begin. So I left it as it is, always wanting to try but never took it to action. There was a time where I forgot to wear his diaper for him and he wet himself. So I figured, night time potty training was gonna take a while but I wanted to do it before we move to the new place with a new mattress. But I wasn't gonna force him if he wasn't ready. Luck was on my side. 3 months after his day time potty training, one fine day, he just told me to throw his diaper I had already put it on him away and he told me he didn't want to wear diaper to sleep. So I reminded him in case he wanted to pee, to wake up and tell me but I was very much ready for him to wet the bed. So I had the waterproof mat and a towel place underneath the bedsheet on where he slept. Surprisingly, he woke up every time he needed to relieve himself. It's been a week now, so far so good. He has not wet himself, not once on the bed. He woke up every time he needed to pee, most of the time half dead and so sleepy he can barely move, so momma has to carry him to the potty and back to his bed. He woke up usually twice a night and he can now hold his pee for at least 6 hours now at night. I can't tell you how proud I am of him and that our potty training experience is now completed for both daytime and night time.He has now upgraded himself from diapers to undies.

Ezra on his potty

His collection of undies from Mothercare!

Posing for the camera with his blue undies on

Motherhood: It's never enough

My company has been undergoing major reno for the past months to revamp the look of the building and work stations. Two years ago when I first joined the company, the "nursing room" was miserable. I can't even call it a room for crying out loud cause it was just some extra space that they turn it into a 'room' for women to express their milk. The 'room' wasn't even in the shape of a square. It was almost like a triangle, except, going back to Trigonometry (I have to Google this), imagine the hypotenuse to be a curve inwardly towards point C as oppose to a straight line. That was the oddly shape nursing room placed at Ground Floor of the building.

There was a small table, placed at point B, an ancient old tech fridge with a freezer that often forms 'ice berg' that you have to defrost every month but knowing how selfish everyone is and that nobody really gives a tiny rat's ass about the fridge unless it's affecting them directly only will they call for the workers to defrost it over the weekend, placed at point A. And four chairs. So obvious how much my company could care less for women who breastfeed. Nevertheless, I express my milk for a year long in that stink hole even though Ezra has never drink from the Expressed Breast Milk (EBM). And among those women who expressed, we became pretty acquainted and enjoyed each others company.

Fast forward to another year later, here I am back to expressing, except that this time the room has shifted to Level 4 since the renovation is still on going, floor by floor. So temporarily, again they partitioned a portion of an extra place and convert it to a nursing room. It was still miserable. It was part store room part nursing room. The picture will explain everything. Despite it being a temporary room, it's frustrating to see some irresponsible users who just litter all over the place when they tear open their storage milk bags. Already the room is so tiny and space is so limited, people still insist on bringing in their laptop which I really don't understand why. Instead of spending an hour in the room, taking your own sweet time to express your milk, hogging all the space why don't you just finish pumping in 30 mins time and return to work. It's way more efficient than having to bring your laptop to the room, expressing with one hand, another hand typing, occasionally facebooking. It's despicable to see.

. My first day back at work after my maternity leave. Imagine my horror. The freezer with 'iceberg' forming

The second miserable looking nursing room on 4th Floor

Moving on, so I guess after numerous request from several women of having a proper nursing room, my company has decided to give us breastfeeding moms a proper room. One that is not made from leftover space from parts of the building. This time, a real decent room, pretty well equipped for which I am very thankful for. It has a built in table top with sink and places to store our bags. It lacks power points since there are numerous women who uses electrical pump. But there's always extension. It's not the best obviously. For the dumbest reason, they installed a door with a see through glass in the middle for a nursing room. What in the world?!?! There's stupid, and then moron and then imbecile. I don't know where to place the person who is responsible for the design of the room! Obviously there are better nursing room. But whatever it is, we have a proper room now. When given what they asked for, and instead of being thankful, requests after requests just keeps pouring in. Already we're given a room that can fit more people, more comfortable, there are actually requests for a TV, a rack space for whatever reason they need it for, a microwave, a new fridge, and more cabinets. As we started using the room this week, and you would think people would be more grateful for a new room but no, I still see stupid habits here and there. I still see women bringing in their laptops hogging the whole damn room! It's reaaaaaally reaaaaally frustrating to see. When they spill their milk on tables, they don't bother wiping. There are those that store their milk in the freezer for the whole week long and only to bring it back on Fridays. Some place their bags of bottles in the fridge. It's not a huge fridge, it's just a single door fridge. And it frustrates me to see that these women can't be courteous enough to be a responsible and considerate user of the nursing room. That's how ungrateful people can be.

New Nursing Room, view from the outside

From the inside with see through glass. At this point, it was already 'covered' with a blurred sticker so that nobody can peek in. Can you imagine? The guy asked, do you want a half sticker or full for the see through portion?What so we can show people our boobs???? Idiot

How it looks like inside

This is where I prefer to express

Useless table that's super flimsy and a bulky chair

Motherhood: Full volume hair gloss to thin volume hair loss

Postpartum hair loss is a real bitch. It's unfair to get something so wonderful in life yet there's a whole 9 months of pain and endurance to go through, a couple hours or in some cases 24 hours of extreme pain to suffer through and a traumatized vagina. And as a joke to the women, they prolong the suffering months after we get our bundle of joy, and they reward you with flabby belly, stretch marks, gross looking lose skins, hair loss, postpartum depression, saggy boobies. The men? They get away with everything. No pain no gain they say. Curse you Eve! I think it's depressing that during pregnancy with the increase level of estrogen that gives you great looking hair, vibrant and glowy look only to have it taken away couple months after birth. Articles says there's no need to panic as it won't cause me to go bald. I experienced otherwise. I don't have thick hair to begin with. While I didn't start balding like my old man, the hair loss was so severe that it causes thinning to my volume of hair that some parts of my head the scalp was visible. And since I don't have thick hair, it's impossible to cover it up. That was the case with Ezra. And then to add to the sting, it took more than a year for the hair to grow back. Now for the second time, my hair loss is starting and I'm getting clumps of hair loss every morning. It seems like there's nothing I can do about it but to suffer through patches of 'bald' spots AGAIN. I feel like a dog shedding. I haven't even got to saggy boobies!

When I brush my hair in the morning. Please excuse the dirty sink.